Oui, c'est vrai, Je parle le Francais. Pas tres bien, mind you, yet I keep learning it because I love this language and the beauty of the French. Mon dou dou me parle le Francais et oh, il est formidable!! Je l'aime!! ~ My words from a Pinterest board I have about all thing French. 

Today I want to tell you about my true love.  "Again?!" you gasp.  Yes, always.  Why?  First of all, he is the reason beyond all reasons.  It makes no sense I am sure; however, he is the reason, mon raison d'etre, my reason for being.  I like to tell Patrick I was created for him (I was conceived a month before he was born) and everything about me compliments him almost perfectly.  It is quite startling to be honest.  I reveal him and he reveals me. Our love is very true.  There is no act, no show for anyone in public.  We are pretty much the same everywhere and it is very important that our life be as such since I know we both hid our real selves and our respective unhappiness from too many for much too long.  

It is no secret, as my first paragraph states, I love the French language.  I lived in Germany, just outside of France, for two years of my life and was able to come and go into the country as most people travel to their neighboring state.  It was pure bliss!  I practiced my French conversational skills, which always need total immersion I might add, got around quite easily due to my knowledge of the written language, and enjoyed being in the country.   If I had any inkling that our paths crossed while overseas, I would have stayed.  Patrick was doing a semester abroad and living a few hours south of me in Aix au Provence.  Well, had I known,  I may have changed the trajectory of my life and remained, sought him out, and the rest would have been our history together.  Alas, we followed a long, parallel path to one another as fate would have it and yet still, here we are, together, after all our exploring we have "arrived at this place and known it for the first time" as T.S. Eliot says so beautifully.  

I miss Patrick when he is not around me.  He feels the same.  It is a new experience.  In the French language, you don't really say "I miss you" you say "tu me manques" which means "you are missing from me".  It is so true. Now that we have come to this love, whenever we are apart, we are missing from one another. Two halves have become one.  

Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction.  ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Well I have my wedding dress all fitted now.  I know, you're excited!  Moi aussi. It is an Oleg Cassini creation, really extravagant and so romantic.  I have to be honest and tell you it wasn't something I picked out.  The sales lady brought it to me and I tried it on.  When I stepped out of my dressing room closet, a roomful of women collectively gasped and all said "Oh you look so beautiful!  You have to buy that dress!"  Seriously.  It was ridiculous.  I am not the girl who gets all teary eyed about weddings or dresses or anything for that matter.  I kept trying it on and same thing would happen.  It was obviously meant to be mine.

When I had it altered, the real reason was my bust size had gone back to "normal", I had a lace up back put in and when I say "Wow!" I really mean it. Now an amazing couture creation has become a one-of-a-kind dress and I love it!  It is absolutely gorgeous, romantic, sexy, and sweet all rolled into a piece of fabric and intricate lacework.  I am amazed and honestly, I can't wait to wear it because it's beautiful.  But more than that because I will be standing beside my best friend, Patrick, and I will become his wife.  I can't wait for the day and yet, I don't want to rush it either.  This process has been so illuminating and planning it has been a lot of fun.

Patrick asked me to marry him a few years ago.  I know that might surprise you to hear but he did.  I was shocked and surprised at that moment.  We were in his black Cadillac in a neighborhood...no wine, no dinner, nothing you would expect a proposal to be.  Just two people in love.  I was so surprised.    Aren't women supposed to be the ones who really want to be wedded?  I wasn't expecting it at all.  He took my breath away.
Patrick is a romantic at heart, don't tell him I told you that, but he is.  He loves to love.  He has an amazingly sweet spirit and is incredibly kind and forgiving.  I am rendered speechless by the depth of his love and affection for me.

We told a lot of people we were getting married but made it "official" on the day before my birthday in 2012.  I was already wearing my ring, he had already proposed; it was just that day we revealed it to the world at large via social networking.  It was well received by most people.  Others have gone away mainly because I don't think they were ever really our true friends, just watching to see if we made it.   We made a list and sent out Save the Date cards.  Our friends have kept it under wraps for us and it's so good to know you still can be private about things if you choose to be.

We are making it.  We've been through a lot of hard times together and we are emerging into a new future.  It's wonderful and it's very challenging but I can't imagine my life any different now.  We're working on bringing all the kids together in the same place and I always thank God for the favor He showed us and continues to shower upon us.

We're looking in the same direction, together. We are moving forward, working on the details a life filled with children brings and we are realistic about the future. It will take more hard work to move forward but together we can accomplish anything.

Whatever souls are made of, his and mine are the same ~ Emily Bronte

Well now, it certainly has been awhile since I've posted anything.  Let me see if I can get you up to speed in a short summary.   I am happily divorced, living back in my home state of Indiana where I belong with the man who brought my heart and soul back to life.  His name is Patrick and I'm sure you'll learn more about him as time goes on.  He gifted me with three healthy and handsome sons.  I gave him two healthy and gorgeous twins; a boy and a girl, specifically the girl he had no idea he needed in his life.    To say our life is a little on the wild side with five children would certainly be an understatement yet life is lived to pass on your wisdom.  I can only hope all five children will know how amazing their new little family is and even though we haven't left behind the memory of the old families, the new one is growing up together quite nicely.

We are engaged!  I wish I could tell you what Patrick said when he got down on one knee but darn, I can't really remember now.  I think I was completely overwhelmed by the moment.   We have really been non-traditional about our relationship from the moment we decided to pursue it.  If I told you when he proposed the first time you might be shocked but then again, if you are ever around the two of us you may say you can't imagine two people who deserved to be together more than we do.    We're both learning how to love again.  It's not always a simple road.  We have a lot of pent up anger still and do foolish things to one another yet at the end of it, we realize we want this relationship more than any one situation or piece of pride is worth hanging onto. 

Last week, Patrick went with me to get my wedding dress fitted.  I told you we're doing things a bit off kilter.   Of course, he was studying the Drudge Report on his mobile while peering over the top to see me in the mirrors as I sauntered back and forth with a newly pinned hem and bustle.   He's amazing.  He wanted to come along and actually trumped one of my girlfriends who was going to join me so he could be there!  Pinch me please!!

I am planning a wedding.  Well actually, it's pretty much planned.  I have a date too however, it's not for public consumption yet.  I like to hold some cards close to my chest.  It will be a fantastic day to finally marry the man who makes my heart sing.  Patrick has so many wonderful qualities; intelligent, handsome, funny, sweet, kind hearted, steady, and stable.   He is the yin to my yang.  People naturally assume we are already married and often refer to us as husband and wife.  It's amazing to be with the right person even if the road was rocky to get to there, the ride is always worth it. 

So that pretty much sums it up.  Christmas is upon us and I am thankful it didn't snow much since I need to finish moving across town.  I promise to be back soon and maybe we can do something new this year...?!  What do you think?   We shall see! 

We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty - Maya Angelou 


This is one of my favorite quotations.  I have it on a plaque in my office, visible to me always.   It reminds me of myself and every other beautiful soul I have encountered who seeks to better themselves.  The 'over-night sensations' these people seem to be ~ one day they are here on the scene and every thing about them begs for you to take notice ~ when in fact, they have been there all along.  Perhaps you didn't recognize them before they earned their wings?  They were paying their dues, struggling and seeking, losing everything including themselves only to gain so much more in the process.   We forget all the work that goes into becoming an overnight sensation.  We only relish and celebrate the person we see in front of us today.

Would you be willing to sacrifice the temporary for the long range plans and goals you have?  Temporary comfort is fleeting I have found.  Things and people change from moment to moment.   There is a point when sitting still is wonderful - happy moments - the birth of a child, the celebration of marriage, graduations, and birthdays.  Beyond that, we are always moving.  Some are moving backwards; looking forever in the past, wishing life would give them back something they lost or took for granted.  Others are moving forward; hesitantly at first, then more steadily because they realize there is no going back, there is no retrieving what is lost.  The good old days are over and trying to evoke them again and again will only lead to more frustration and unhappiness.

In order to become a butterfly the caterpillar must wait, unseen by the world, in its chrysalis.  Wings are formed, their mouth is changed from one that chews food to one that is able to drink nectar.  In time, it emerges, squeezed out, from its protective shell back into the world from which it retreated, completely transformed into a new creature.  It pauses only to dry its new wings and then flutters away, its beauty readily evident in flight.  How we delight in this metamorphosis when we are able to behold it!

Yet my question is this:  would you be willing to change some things in your life to take such flight?   Would you be willing to shed the unwanted in favor of such beauty?  Would you risk retreating into a chrysalis, not knowing yet how breathtaking the end result may be?  

I know I am willing.  Who is with me?  

I've been lost before. I'll bet you have to. I've been lost in cities, the countryside, and in foreign countries. Thankfully, it always turned out right when I stopped and asked for directions.  One time, I took a chance and followed the car with U.S. plates and it magically drove right by my hotel while in Canada.  Was it luck or the work of an Unseen Hand?

I've also been lost in life.  I wandered away from the safety of the shore and was left wondering exactly how to get back to it.  Tread water and wait for a boat or swim?   I needed to get back to myself, my purpose, what I believed in, and who I really was supposed to become.

I remember the day I gave the information for my dog tags to an administrative person in Chicago. I was in-processing since I didn't actually receive them until I was in Texas.  They take down your name, social security number, birth date, and religious preference.   I told the woman I had no religious preference at the time and she freaked out.  She began to admonish me for not believing, you name it.

I went on to explain that it wasn't that I did not believe but that I had no preference of a religion, not exactly the same thing.  The conversation escalated so much on her part that a supervisor came over to see what the problem was.  He then told the woman to mind her own business and put down my 'no preference' since they were my dog tags and not hers.

I have often looked at those dog tags and thought "I should have put down something".
I definitely regretted it. Yet years later, after I reaffirmed my commitment to the Lord at a non-denominational service, it struck me how the He had used my 'no preference' as a way to bring me closer to Him.

God does have a sense of humor.  He knew where I had been, how I felt with the countless faiths I had delved into and used a service without a specific doctrine to call me firmly into the fold.  Now when I come across my dog tags, I smile at them and run my thumb over the no preference line.  I thank God for finding me where I was.  He validated me and a choice I made.  He made it turn out for His glory and I am always amazed at how He always works things out for good and the good of those He has called.

"Shall I crucify your King?" Pilate asked.  - John 19:15 (NIV)

As I write this, I am thinking about Holy week and what it means for Christians. The week beginning with Jesus' triumphal entry into Jerusalem ends with his crucifixion and burial in a borrowed tomb. Sounds pretty depressing right? Why would anyone bear witness to this horror?  Because of the resurrection of our Lord.  There is triumph and salvation to all who will come and believe.  There is a promise of grace for all who will stand and proclaim this truth. 

I've been studying the crucifixion.  Jesus said those who are called to follow Him will also experience the same.  The servant shares the master's fate.  And then He says to count it all joy - in the midst of these trials He tells us to rejoice!  Is He insane or are those who truly follow Him the insane ones?   Because let's be honest for a second, would you willingly walk to the cross and have your hands and feet nailed to it?  Would you give up your life to not only your friends but every person around you?   Would you think for one second you need to rejoice in this suffering?   Absolutely not - it is total madness yet a believer who has poured themselves out in complete obedience will do that very thing.   Such service is not for the faint of heart and this is also why Jesus speaks of a narrow way that few find.  

Jesus said "And everyone will hate you because of your allegiance to me" Matthew 10:22 (NLT)

Life hasn't been the same for me for some time since I chose this path.  I have endured heavy duty persecution. I have lost every friend in my life before and I have also been given back friends and blessings too numerous to count.  I have been betrayed.   I had to put into practice daily forgiveness and true repentance.  There is no guilt or condemnation uttered from my lips for those who had hurt me or for myself.  I emerged from the grave of my former life a new creature. I am the same girl but I am not at all like I once was. There is an urgency to this work now.  Time is fleeting.  There is a boldness of spirit, an unwillingness to stand down.  I received an anointing of God.  It cost me just like it will cost you.  But viewed from this side, it is worth everything.  I would willingly walk through the fire again and count it all joy to be in this place.  Oh let me remind you to beware what you say because you will find yourself in such a fire again.  

God desires brokenness in order to reshape us.

Yes here I am again.  This time around, I find myself hanging on a cross, my body feeling as if I have been beaten.  Pierced by a sword.

To whom much is given, much is required.    I will walk through the darkness of death to experience the resurrection for myself because I know the power available, I know the souls who need to see the redemptive power of such grace.  I understand the price and yet I say let me drink from this cup, Your will be done, not mine.  

Jesus said "You have sorrow now, but I will see you again; then you will rejoice, and no one can rob you of that joy".    Let's be honest, would you follow this path?  Will you commit to such brokenness in order to receive this joy?  Would you do it for yourself let alone another?

I am in tune with God and His Spirit because of the call on my life.  Don't be discouraged if you don't feel or know the same things.  We are not all equipped in the same ways.  In the coming days and months, I want you to know I will need Him more than ever because I am the furthest thing from perfection.  I am in desperate need to be in touch with His grace and strength.  

Consider this your own personal Holy week, the week you can receive for yourself.  Perhaps instead of waving your palm you will cast it down at the foot of the cross.  Proclaim your allegiance to Jesus no matter what the cost.  We know the end of the story. Jesus triumphs over the grave.  He is the King of Kings.  And you have been called.  

Will you answer?  

Forever changed.

It began raining lightly as I stood by the grave side.  It was warm and wonderful, a cleansing rain.  Many in attendance ducked out from the canopy under waiting umbrellas, shielding themselves as they were guided back to their cars.   The soft and gentle drops of water splashed on my shoulders and hair, the meaning both beautiful and poignant. 
Someone offered me an umbrella and admonished me to get under it.  I spoke low yet clearly “It’s only water.  I do not mind”.   The safe covering was snatched away in haste as if I had burned them with my words.  

I wasn’t afraid of the rain, the beauty; the softness of it seemed to be a comfort to the sadness of the situation.  It was missed by most as they fretted about their appearance being diminished.  

In this rain, I felt the glory of the Lord.  I chose not to hide myself away from Him.  My clothing and hair would dry later but this one moment, this feeling, would be gone in an instant.

I turned my face to the sky, raindrops splashed across my cheeks and nose and I began to smile.  I finally knew what it meant to delight myself in the Lord.  In the beauty He brings through sorrow and through joy.  I decided then I wanted to reflect and live in His glory forever.  

Set sail; cast yourself out to sea and aim in the direction your heart yearns to follow.

I've been exploring all my life.  What was I exploring?   I have been exploring an uncharted territory in search of a treasure the world had yet to see.  I was in search of myself.

The Swahili word for journey is safari.  To go on safari is to leave the safety of the known around you and journey into the wilderness - the wildness - that is yet unknown. There could be danger lurking around every turn or there could be so much beauty it may take your breath away.  You will never know unless you go on a safari of your own, in search of yourself.  How long will it take you ask?  I don't have a lot of time, my life is going on here.

Well the Israelites spent forty years making an eleven day journey so I will say it naturally depends upon your attitude.  If you hem and haw and act like a spoiled child, it may take longer than necessary.

It is possible the journey need not interfere with your daily life.  You can take this safari each day, if only for a few minutes, to look within, to search for what you are missing, to seek meaning for your life.


And while you are on your safari, let me remind you to believe.  One of my favorite stories of belief is when Peter asked Jesus to let him walk on water to him.  Peter stepped out, I suspect very thrilled to begin his journey, and he walked on the water because he believed he could, but then he looked around and became terrified by the high waves, the circumstances pushing on him.   He lost his belief and went under.

Hear me in this: believe you can make this journey.  It takes a huge amount of faith to even step out of the boat.  You deserve to find what you are seeking whether it is peace, happiness, love, joy, a new outlet for your creative self, a new career, or a new relationship.

But you will never find it if you refuse to try. All is revealed to those who are persistent in seeking, in asking, and in knocking.

I will assure you of this, the light at the end of the tunnel is calling you to come forth.  Be brave.   You will arrive at your destination.

I am so open sometimes I feel like I need to retreat to solitude. This afternoon has been that retreat.  I have sat in the sunshine and allowed it to caress my skin.  My mind is not racing with thoughts but peace.  Slow breaths in and out, flowing through me.   Release.   I seem to be doing many things lately that require the "re" in front of them.

Reconnecting, reestablishing, reworking, replacing, responding, reaffirming, readjusting, removing, and rearranging.  It brings great joy and peace to my spirit.

I am moving away from what I have known for the past 20 years of my life.  Should I be afraid?  Shouldn't I have anxiety about these plans?  No.  I trust I am moving to exactly where it is I belong.  My heart is already there. It is home.  My physical presence is felt there.  It is home.  I am ready.

The past few months have revealed to me much wisdom, much more than I deserve to know, and I am ever grateful to be able to receive it with an open heart.   I stand in awe and am humbled to be such a vessel.  My cup overflows with this gratitude.

I am so blessed by and thankful for the one who will receive me.   It is no small task to partner with a person, to build a life with them.  It is a decision made daily to love and support the other, to believe and trust their character.  I have surrounded myself with friends who support and uphold my dreams yet it is with this one that my greatest dreams lie and I am overjoyed by their presence, by their support, and by their love.

I was recently in Indiana.  It is one of the states I grew up in.  While I have often had a love/hate relationship with this place due to the challenges of being an adolescent, I have discovered living away from "my home" has made me a richer person, in depth and clarity.   I have also discovered my greatest love in still there, present within her borders.   I have determined I am going home to claim it and cherish it.  

When I gaze into this sunrise it symbolizes the beginning of a new life for me.   A path laid before me I was unsure I would ever find or have access to.  I am always thrilled and in awe of where life takes me and today is no different.   While there are mysteries still here for me to solve, I know in my heart I am being lead by an Unseen Hand to the exact place where I will be able to touch countless lives with this love.   I am humbled to have such a call on my life and this powerful love waiting to welcome me home again.  

I have searched
myself
laid myself bare
when I go down
so deep
I always find you 
there.

My heart lives outside my body

I can feel its beat

in anothers chest

rising and falling

with every breath

My heart is where it belongs

where I belong

every beat

every day

brings me closer

to where I am supposed to be

One day I will come back to

the wholeness I only feel

in part now. 

Until then my heart will

continue to beat

in anothers chest

rising and falling

with every breath.

Are you hungry?  We have fast food but what you probably need is a home cooked meal.  I know of this family run Gasthaus that makes the most amazing Jager Schnitzel.   What is that?  It’s a pork tenderloin with mushroom gravy.  The type of food you call on for comfort; it fills not only your stomach but can also nurture your soul.   You will be here for a short while and we want you to consider this place home.  Come on inside.

 
Don’t forget we want pommes frites on the side, your tour guide calls after the waitress.  What?  Oh, French fries.  She tells you they will be fantastic covered with the mushroom gravy.  There is nothing like the little rush of serotonin to make you feel content and happy.  Although you can have mayo on the side if you prefer, she says.  Mayo?!  What?! 

Your tour guide will often recommend odd things to eat, food that seems strange to you.    Try experiencing a different place through your palate.  Either your taste buds will reveal a new appreciation of the area or if you refuse new flavors, you will be missing an important part of another culture.  One of the most amazing things to find in a new place is the food, foreign yet fantastic.   It's true also you will notice that not everything is rushed in other countries.  Some of life’s best moments are had sitting at a table with friends with a bottle of house wine and laughter while you sample a new dish.   

We race through life most of the time, only pausing to treasure holidays when truly every day is an occasion to cherish your relationships.   Candles are lit here; no one cares if they are in fancy candle holders.  The ones in this Gasthaus are in old beer mugs and the reflective light shines through the hollows of the outer glass beautifully.    The table linens are a little thread bare in spots but the cloth napkins are folded in the shapes of tiny ships so you barely even notice because you are enthralled with the talent it must take to learn how to fold like that.   The smiling face across the table is your tour guide and she is merrily telling tales of this village’s history, the little snippets of information to make this much more than any old trip where you don’t know another soul. 

“So bitte…“ Trails off the voice of your server as platters are laid across the table family style, each with a spoon in it.  Go on, help yourself.    You are amazed at the magnificent spread of food.  You rarely see so many smiling faces around your holiday table.  Yes the décor would probably be considered substandard to those you associate with, those who would never set a table with such items but on this day you come to understand it isn’t the plates and linens that are important;  it is the company you keep.  The celebration of a simple meal shared with a friend in a place where you feel accepted and loved.  This is how every day, every meal should be savored.    Why is it you have to travel so far from home to understand what is truly one of the most important things in life?

I live for
stolen moments
of warmth
spreading through
my limbs
for the tender
kisses I feel
dropped on my skin
for the laughter
that brings light
to my day.
I yearn for
this love
this man
his intensity
his passion
his presence always
consumes me
I thirst to drink from
his cup,
to have it spill over me
splashing
creating a beautiful mess
one I don’t care to clean up
I care only for him and
every moment I treasure
until our forever comes

Peanut butter and Jelly
suit one another
beautifully
each is fair 
on its own
but once they come
together
blending into the other
something happens
the taste is different
sweeter
satisfying the craving
you weren’t aware
you even had
they can remain separate
but peanut butter and jelly
truly belong together   

Change takes time.   Creating art takes time.  It takes minutes, hours, days, months, and years to create a masterpiece.  It also takes contemplation.   I always feel like I have to be in a hurry to get it done but sometimes it may be better to slow the process down and treasure the creation.  As a woman waits nine months for a child to grow in her, she has the time available to wonder what they will look like and who they will become.  Let's approach our creativity in the same way, with the same wonder, and enjoy the process to its completion.

I found this in my writing journal and I wanted to share it with you.  

The main job of a tour guide, most would say, is to make getting around a simple process.   But I’ve already been here before; you assure your guide, don’t worry about me.   Well, perhaps you have, but wandering into Charles de Gaulle Etoile surrounding L’Arc de Triomphe in Paris where half dozen avenues converge isn’t the place to be when you think you know it all.  Let your tour guide help you navigate this insanity.  

No, not yet, as you push in, coming up alongside a bus that seems to be moving horizontally against the traffic; there are horns blaring, fingers flying, palms slamming steering wheels in exasperation.  You find your car is nudged back to the center of the circle again and again. Why does this keep happening to you?  Circling the Arc de Triumph is a little like life; our own stubbornness can keep us going in circles, refusing to accept help until we’ve encountered the same scenery again and again. 

It’s good to have a friendly, non-judgmental face that somehow seems to have the whistle of the nearest Gendarme beside them to help you through the traffic.  Your tour guide easily guides you through the madness and you find yourself safely heading down the Champs-Elysees.  Sometimes having been there and done that before doesn’t always apply in a situation where you find yourself going in circles.   You have to be crazy or brave or even a bit of both to dart into the onslaught of cars, dodging the driver coming at your side door.  

There are no lines on this traffic circle just like there are no lines in life.  When you navigate the path you’re on, it can take you away from the safest route and into places you’re not comfortable with yet your tour guide is there, beckoning you to take that last turn.  It takes a little humility to be able to swallow your pride and admit you didn’t know what you were doing.   But your tour guide won’t ever bring up your mistakes.  They are there to keep you safe, not to dwell on the negative aspects of the situation.  And they will happily recount to anyone standing still that you made it through the Place d’Etoile intact and hearing it re-told with gusto will remind you sometimes the struggle is the best part of the journey.   

Nature and your environment, the places you love speak to you...are you listening?  

My world has a fair amount of water in it.   I am fortunate to live in a place my friends call  "a vacation destination".    There are beaches, fishing galore, historic places, natural beauty, abundant wildlife, different cuisines, shopping, you name it.   It's home to me right now.   Calm and serene usually, the only time there is a ruckus is because of the wake behind your boat.   Life is a little slower here, simpler.   Not too much stimulation to make you jittery but enough to keep you enthralled.

I tell you these things because I wonder where you live in the world.   Do you love it or is it just where you ended up due to family, life circumstances, you name it.   Where would you choose to live if money wasn't an issue?   Do you dream about a house by the sea, moss hanging from an old oak tree in your yard?  Perhaps your vision is on another coast, high above the ocean and sandy beaches?   A timber framed cottage high in the mountains with only the morning mist to greet you or a sprawling ranch on the plains?    

Where do you live in your dreams?   

You may not be able to go back and right the choices you have made 
but you can begin again today to recreate the life you imagined.  ~ Sandy McEuen 

One day my heart will be

allowed to show itself 

Its true feelings 

are hidden away

 

My heart yearns for

these arms 

to hold me close

and never let me

go again

For the touch

the kiss

the smile

the laughter

The voice

I love to listen to, 

a healing balm

for my soul

 

I will wait for time

to makes its move

to clear the way for

my heart to show 

itself  to the world